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Finally, a Universal Data Integration Utility

Network servers in datacenterEarlier today, the fine folks at the F. Oobar Corporation released a revolutionary product: a universal data integration utility. This software component, known as the Baseline Ongoing Generic Utility for Synergy, will run on any platform and can convert data to and from almost any format automatically. It also reads the semantics of the data to determine exactly how it will be used and will model the data structure accordingly.

Oobar’s director of engineering, April Fuhl, made the announcement on the Oobar website earlier today. “This is a product that we’ve been working on since exactly this time last year, and we’re very proud to have produced it. Baseline Ongoing Generic Utility for Synergy renders all other data integration tools obsolete.”

According to the documentation on the company’s website, the universal data integration utility will automatically detect and process data in almost any format, including

  • Plain text
  • PDF
  • Binary
  • Haiku
  • Wingdings
  • Whiteboard text
  • Spiral notepad
  • Napkin scribble
  • Fleeting thoughts

Oddly enough, the only known format it can’t process is Excel.

There is an optional service that will fix data quality issues automatically. Known as UWIMNWIT (Use What I Meant, Not What I Typed), it will infer from the operator’s data entry speed, body temperature, and facial expressions what the data should really show. It is also smart enough to detect keystroke pressure, and will automatically uppercase any data that was typed in angrily.

This utility is not only versatile but efficient; because it uses the smallest font size possible during the processing of the data, it can move large amounts of data very quickly. Data sources and destinations that use Comic Sans have seen 2x throughput when compared to other font faces.

The Baseline Ongoing Generic Utility for Synergy is lightweight, and will run on any system with a 5.25” floppy drive.

If this amazing product sounds to good to be true, I encourage you to check out the official announcement page. Be sure to place your order before the end of this first day of April 2015 for a special discount.

About the Author

Tim Mitchell
Tim Mitchell is a business intelligence and SSIS consultant who specializes in getting rid of data pain points. Need help with data warehousing, ETL, reporting, or SSIS training? Contact Tim here: TimMitchell.net/contact

6 Comments on "Finally, a Universal Data Integration Utility"

  1. BOGUS eh? Good one.

  2. Best read in months:) Thank you for sharing!!! I’m not surprised about Excel.

  3. Sean Redmond | April 1, 2015 at 8:39 am | Reply

    I have my own April Fools’ joke and it’s calls In-Memory-OLTP. Every time I try to do something, it tells me that it’s not allowed.
    • Join inside a natively-compiled SP. What you beforehand could do with on execution of an SP with 7 lines of code now requires that I run the natively-compiled SP once per entry. RBAR.
    • Referential Integrity — is it useful? In-Memory-OLTP just says no.
    • Index on a nullable column — no, no, no.
    • ON | NOT and IN not allowed inside natively-compiled SPs
    • and on it goes…

  4. We are actually releasing an OEM version of our metadatadriven DW/BI product Effektor with BOGUS support next month. It is so cool. Combining that with the new DACPAC for multiple RDBMS (https://www.simple-talk.com/content/article.aspx?article=2163), this will truly be agile, vendor independant cloud based big data. At last.

  5. I definitely could use this for my “Fleeting Thoughts” 🙂

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